Doubts

This was written over a month ago.

16 months of unemployment have created a new ability to doubt. It is probably the most common malady of the unemployed. We have spent a lifetime developing skills and abilities only to hit a moment in time where we are being told everyday that those skills, while worthwhile, can't be afforded. It is an insidious erosion of what we believe and hold dear.

So everyday I wake up and spend some portion of my morning convincing myself that "today is the day, where someone will recognize their need for my abilities." And yet here I am almost 500 days down the road and the future is even more unclear than it was before. This inscrutable rejection is hard to fathom.

You begin to doubt your worth. Has this all been just a cosmic joke somehow? As most of you know I am believer and practitioner of the spiritual disciplines. Frugality or simplicity are part of this lifestyle. My prayers and meditation, along with my study and reflection all point towards living a life of simplicity, but it is not simply for the sake of the discipline. It is to bend my will to the glory of God. But when life's circumstances, particularly over a long period of time indicate that the discipline is futile, the doubt creeps in. Why bother with it, when the results are the same as that of a pagan. Why am I being rejected when I have submitted to a lifestyle that few even know about? Has my life lost worth in the sight of the One who determines all that is worthy? In an emotional breakdown not long ago I confessed to my bride that this past year has been wasted. I have been put on hold. The doubts are rampant about who I am and what value I hold for the world around me.

Here I am at 4AM on a Sunday morning, contemplating a leading prayer for a church where I don't know most of the people, interceding for a God who has grown largely silent over the past year.. and I doubt. Honesty does not seem to be the most prudent path. Yet, honesty should be the key element for a community of faith. But I doubt the entire premise that it will simply work out. In this moment of early morning reflection, it feels that I have been rejected both by God and by those who profess to follow Him. And still I struggle to find the words that will reveal both His glory and His compassion.

In this moment of despair, when I feel like walking away I find the words of Jesus ringing in my ears as I am sure they did to those so many centuries ago, "Will you leave me as well?" When do we get to consider this question? It is certainly not the politically correct question. But the answer also keeps coming to mind, "Where else can we go? Who else has the answers?" Peter found a way to express the tension that I find myself in. This doubt was not created by unemployment, just manifested in the circumstance. I believe we all live with the question and the doubt. Where else can I turn? Who else holds these truths? In a culture that is crumbling, a church that has lost its way, and a man who has entered the "second half" these questions are bitter and also needed.

So I will spend a part of today convincing myself that today is the day. That if I stay on the journey, it will eventually level out a little. And at some point today, maybe just maybe, there will be a small token of confidence manifested in me. Who knows?

Godspeed to the rejected of this journey. We will find a way. Push the doubts from your mind, breath in and out, step forward, only in faithful action will doubts be diminished.
Don