Over the past few years I have picked up "relational" assets I never had before. All my life I heard things like, "I'll have to call MY lawyer." Who keeps or needs a lawyer that they can identify and name? I don't have a lawyer. My eldest son-in-law is a lawyer, but that is way down on the list of identities he is to me. He is first and foremost the husband of my eldest daughter, and a very good one. More importantly he is the father of my first two grandkids, the ones who called me "granddaddy" before all others. And he is a spiritual man, a faithful man, and an industrious man. And somewhere down the line he is a lawyer, but he is not MY lawyer. (I've always had a little uncertainty about having him represent me in a legal battle. I'm sure there are things in the past 15 years or so that he was not happy with me about and as we all know payback is a b....well you know.)
But in the past few years I have picked up a few of these Assets. Did you know I now have a cardiologist? These are not cheap acquisitions. I see him more often than I do MY dentist. Hey there's another one, however, he is one of my dearest friends, so I'm not sure that counts. And day before yesterday I went to MY skin doctor. Ok, ok he is also distantly related and is far more to me and my family than the guy who bores holes in my scalp digging for who knows what. He claims he did not go very deep, but I suspect he was stunned at how thick the skull was. He is a plastic surgeon, but I keep him humble by having to deal with my body's ability to produce all sorts of weird looking skin bumps, lumps, and colorings. It does tickle me when he fusses at me for waiting to see him. He always asks the trick question, "How long have you had this?" Most of time I do not remember. I can identify when my bride pointed it out, but at my age and in my defense, the mirror is not my friend.
So what am I missing? Here is a short list of assets I need to work on.
Trainer - these people tend to be mean, see my blog post about "Boot Camp"
Therapist - Yes, I need one more person to ask me, "What is WRONG with you?"
Preacher- Another person telling me what IS WRONG with me!
Accountant - Hmm, not much to count.
Personal Physician - I actually have one that I never see. He seems preoccupied with my prostate.
Some of these I will never acquire. They are far more expensive than I have interest in paying.
But it also occurs me that there are a few professions we are a one time interaction, or just a part of our lives but not able to achieve the status as "MY" :
Funeral Home Director - you never hear anyone say that. This is a one and done.
Policeman - My policeman just sounds wrong.
Dry Cleaners Person - way too long a title.
So here I am at this stage of life, picking up all these relational assets with apparent ease. Who knew I would be so successful?
Godspeed to those out there who are just beginning to acquire the finer things in life, it is the true measure of success!
Don
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Friday, May 22, 2015
Times, They are A'Changin'
Over the past few years I have had the opportunity to work with and manage young people (under 40). During that time I had a chance to sit with them as we drove from one appointment to another and visit about work, life, dreams, worries..the entire gamut of the human experience. And these visits have been concerning and enlightening and encouraging. It eventually comes up that these young people are no better at judging age than I am. Generally they all think I am younger than their parents, when in reality, usually I am older and sometimes by a good bit. It would do my ego much more good if I thought it was my youngish looks or my "hip" demeanor, but I think they just don't have a clue. So the immense pride is tempered. Of course I could start complaining about all the aches and pains. That would set them straight, but then they would compare me to their grandparents and that would not do my ego any good.
There are a couple of things I have learned about this group. Some of it is encouraging, some of it has me shaking my head, and some of it makes me a little jealous that my life does not contain some of their philosophy and approach.
One of the primary differences between them and me is the simple view of all things "organizational". My approach has always been to rely on the organization as the sole benefactor for my career, my marriage, my life. The generation I belong to relies heavily on the organization to care for and feed us, to give us purpose, to create a safe and nurturing harbor. In this I have been both generously rewarded and deeply wounded. It has only been in the past couple of years (by "couple" I mean 10-15) that I have seen and understood the tragic misperception this is. This younger crowd has a deep suspicion of all things "organizational". Their attitude is that they put up with the organization because it supplies a few of their basic needs. In their world if they could walk away from it, all we would see are heels and elbows. And this applies to politics, religion, business, marriage, nationalism..the list goes on and on.
And this is being played out at all levels of society. Corporations are having to completely overhaul their work structure to make sure they can retain some of these younger workers. I have lived right through the transition from the 9-5 workforce to the flex hours, the shared workload, the cross-training. A majority of this shift is positive. But the loss falls in the categories of employee loyalty, dedication etc. But the truth is that the corporations made the first move by shifting from corporate healthy workplace to corporate shareholder health. This younger generation understood long before my generation that this reality existed.
The most visually dramatic is the outflow of religious organizations. Ten years ago, if you were on the inside of the organization, you could hear the growing sucking sound of the younger generation leaving. It was like watching the tide run out, the water just never returned to same spot on the beach. It shifted further and further out. Unlike the phasic tide, this was a one-way shift. I've got news for the religious leaders, get a day job. They ain't coming back.
Marriage may be the most jarring organization that has been deemed unnecessary. I take great pride in the tenure of my marriage (almost 40 years) and to the credit of my bride the quality of our life together. And the young crowd will slow clap this accomplishment, while shaking their heads in puzzlement. And they are staying away from this organization in droves. The number of sales people I manage who are living with their significant other far outnumbers the ones that have gotten married. And while I might be tempted to point out to them the error of their ways it occurs to me that they have a far different understanding of this than I do. I think it is this one element of the "gay marriage" debate that the youngsters just don't get. They are a little puzzled why we (breeders) would heap such condemnation on those wanting to get married within their gender, when they are completely willing to ignore the concept altogether. Which makes me wonder why the religious leaders aren't dog-piling on them instead of the "gay marriage" crowd. At least the "gay marriage" crowd agrees with us that marriage is important! Maybe we need to realign our angst with anybody who agrees with us on marriage. We have been fussing at the wrong group all along! Nothing new here.
But the other important shift is the willingness to help. They are deeply moved by causes that help people. Their willingness to align themselves with less fortunate, to fight the injustice that corporate America has created. I think this may be why Facebook is such a valuable tool to span the gap between their generation and mine. It allows me to peer into their world, without judgment, and acknowledge that they may have a point. But the moment we olders try to develop a little organization around their causes...they are out. And this is what drives my crowd nuts. We can't handle the chaos, the freedom of allowing other opinions, the tolerance and dissonance that actually defines their world. If I point out their inconsistent views, they simply shrug their shoulders and withdraw from the conversation.
So here is my simple solution. My generation needs to come to grips with the fact that the organizations we hold dear are dead already. We will keep them running for the time we are still here because we have the money to do so, but these kids are going to outlast us. They will grieve when are gone, but they will not feel compelled to sustain the organizations we hold so dear. My solution is spend whatever time I have left in helping them with the relational issues we all face. To help them understand that indeed the needs of the one, outweigh the needs of the many (scripture, by the way, please don't tell them) So while I still have a voice I will encourage them to be honest, to have fun, to cherish words like integrity, compassion, and perseverance. To love with abandon.
Godspeed to the kids on the block. I think you will make this a better place.
Don
There are a couple of things I have learned about this group. Some of it is encouraging, some of it has me shaking my head, and some of it makes me a little jealous that my life does not contain some of their philosophy and approach.
One of the primary differences between them and me is the simple view of all things "organizational". My approach has always been to rely on the organization as the sole benefactor for my career, my marriage, my life. The generation I belong to relies heavily on the organization to care for and feed us, to give us purpose, to create a safe and nurturing harbor. In this I have been both generously rewarded and deeply wounded. It has only been in the past couple of years (by "couple" I mean 10-15) that I have seen and understood the tragic misperception this is. This younger crowd has a deep suspicion of all things "organizational". Their attitude is that they put up with the organization because it supplies a few of their basic needs. In their world if they could walk away from it, all we would see are heels and elbows. And this applies to politics, religion, business, marriage, nationalism..the list goes on and on.
And this is being played out at all levels of society. Corporations are having to completely overhaul their work structure to make sure they can retain some of these younger workers. I have lived right through the transition from the 9-5 workforce to the flex hours, the shared workload, the cross-training. A majority of this shift is positive. But the loss falls in the categories of employee loyalty, dedication etc. But the truth is that the corporations made the first move by shifting from corporate healthy workplace to corporate shareholder health. This younger generation understood long before my generation that this reality existed.
The most visually dramatic is the outflow of religious organizations. Ten years ago, if you were on the inside of the organization, you could hear the growing sucking sound of the younger generation leaving. It was like watching the tide run out, the water just never returned to same spot on the beach. It shifted further and further out. Unlike the phasic tide, this was a one-way shift. I've got news for the religious leaders, get a day job. They ain't coming back.
Marriage may be the most jarring organization that has been deemed unnecessary. I take great pride in the tenure of my marriage (almost 40 years) and to the credit of my bride the quality of our life together. And the young crowd will slow clap this accomplishment, while shaking their heads in puzzlement. And they are staying away from this organization in droves. The number of sales people I manage who are living with their significant other far outnumbers the ones that have gotten married. And while I might be tempted to point out to them the error of their ways it occurs to me that they have a far different understanding of this than I do. I think it is this one element of the "gay marriage" debate that the youngsters just don't get. They are a little puzzled why we (breeders) would heap such condemnation on those wanting to get married within their gender, when they are completely willing to ignore the concept altogether. Which makes me wonder why the religious leaders aren't dog-piling on them instead of the "gay marriage" crowd. At least the "gay marriage" crowd agrees with us that marriage is important! Maybe we need to realign our angst with anybody who agrees with us on marriage. We have been fussing at the wrong group all along! Nothing new here.
But the other important shift is the willingness to help. They are deeply moved by causes that help people. Their willingness to align themselves with less fortunate, to fight the injustice that corporate America has created. I think this may be why Facebook is such a valuable tool to span the gap between their generation and mine. It allows me to peer into their world, without judgment, and acknowledge that they may have a point. But the moment we olders try to develop a little organization around their causes...they are out. And this is what drives my crowd nuts. We can't handle the chaos, the freedom of allowing other opinions, the tolerance and dissonance that actually defines their world. If I point out their inconsistent views, they simply shrug their shoulders and withdraw from the conversation.
So here is my simple solution. My generation needs to come to grips with the fact that the organizations we hold dear are dead already. We will keep them running for the time we are still here because we have the money to do so, but these kids are going to outlast us. They will grieve when are gone, but they will not feel compelled to sustain the organizations we hold so dear. My solution is spend whatever time I have left in helping them with the relational issues we all face. To help them understand that indeed the needs of the one, outweigh the needs of the many (scripture, by the way, please don't tell them) So while I still have a voice I will encourage them to be honest, to have fun, to cherish words like integrity, compassion, and perseverance. To love with abandon.
Godspeed to the kids on the block. I think you will make this a better place.
Don
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Endarkment
We are taught from the time we are little that "darkness" is evil and "light" is good. It is the daily reminder that these two are opposed and opposite each other. Our society uses this in the public conversation through our movies, Darth Vader is dressed in black, Luke is in white. In the old westerns the bad guys wore black hats and the good guys white hats. Movies and television that deal with evil or trauma are referred to as "dark". We even have a genre known as "dark comedies". Pirates of old were "black-hearted" and even named Blackbeard. Do you remember at dusk your mother calling you for the night, from the creeping darkness to the light in the house. She was protecting us from the evil of the night. Even in our spiritual walk we view darkness as evil, several scriptures use the night or darkness as a metaphor for evil, as contrast to the light. It is inescapable, darkness is evil. Or so we have been told.
These thoughts have been rambling around in my head for a while, so forgive me if this comes out a little random. What has me stumped is the inevitability of the darkness for each of us. There is simply no escaping the "darkness". It could be circumstances beyond our control that has dimmed the light. There might have been poor decisions or poor responses that brought on the darkness. It might be the disillusionment of life that happens to us all. I wrote about this in a blog post "Living Plan B" July 21, 2009, but really I have sprinkled this idea all through my blog and shared it publicly. But the struggle to understand still needles me.
Perhaps the dissonance I feel can be found in our society's preoccupation with happiness and security versus the reality that happiness is elusive and security is a myth. This societal bent has placed a patina over our entire existence and left us dissatisfied. And the articulation of this dissatisfaction is frowned on. Our home and family should all be healthy and happy. Our church life should be "solar" as one writer put it, full of joy and peace and good will. Our workplace should be fulfilling and successful. So when there is something missing from the above, when I am not performing at the level that it seems everyone else is, then the darkness slides in and the great cover-up begins. Which only bangs open the door for the darkness to rush in with even more force. We run from this darkness because it reflects, at some deep level, our own failures to craft the life we envisioned from the beginning.
But there are a couple of things that make me pause and reflect on the "darkness". In the most elemental way, the Creator built our entire universe with each "day" half light and half dark. Could we stand to live in the light all the time? No. Would all darkness be the best? Also no. Each serves its own purpose. The light is for purpose and action. We keep moving and accomplishing in the light. But the dark is for rest and more importantly reflection. It is in the dark quiet moments that we can come face to face with the reality of our lives. It is in those moments when the Creator whispers his message.
Barbara Brown Taylor says, "While this darkness was only a poor cousin of araphel, it alerted me to a question that would preoccupy me for months to come: when we run from darkness, how much do we know about what we are running from? If we turn away from darkness on principle, doing everything we can to avoid because there is simply no telling what it contains, isn't there a chance that what we are running from is God?"
The other thing that gives me pause is on closer investigation of the old book, there are some comments and references that indicate that darkness or the emotions that are ascribed to it are not all bad. In fact a few of them have a pretty elevated place:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit.."
"Blessed are those who mourn.."
"Blessed are the meek.."
Even the man who manifested God was known as "a man of tears" Darkness was not a stranger to him, but was a moment to hear the whispers of illumination.
So while I struggle with the societal disdain of darkness and my own residency in that darkness, I have come to value the lessons learned during those moments. The other primary lesson for me was to give myself a break in the midst of those dark nights, to be unapologetic that discernment is not easy and is not cheap and does not come while in the midst of the sunshine, but in the dark and aloneness of the night.
Godspeed to those who have known more than their share of the dark, we should listen to you because the Creator has granted you a wisdom beyond the norm.
Don
These thoughts have been rambling around in my head for a while, so forgive me if this comes out a little random. What has me stumped is the inevitability of the darkness for each of us. There is simply no escaping the "darkness". It could be circumstances beyond our control that has dimmed the light. There might have been poor decisions or poor responses that brought on the darkness. It might be the disillusionment of life that happens to us all. I wrote about this in a blog post "Living Plan B" July 21, 2009, but really I have sprinkled this idea all through my blog and shared it publicly. But the struggle to understand still needles me.
Perhaps the dissonance I feel can be found in our society's preoccupation with happiness and security versus the reality that happiness is elusive and security is a myth. This societal bent has placed a patina over our entire existence and left us dissatisfied. And the articulation of this dissatisfaction is frowned on. Our home and family should all be healthy and happy. Our church life should be "solar" as one writer put it, full of joy and peace and good will. Our workplace should be fulfilling and successful. So when there is something missing from the above, when I am not performing at the level that it seems everyone else is, then the darkness slides in and the great cover-up begins. Which only bangs open the door for the darkness to rush in with even more force. We run from this darkness because it reflects, at some deep level, our own failures to craft the life we envisioned from the beginning.
But there are a couple of things that make me pause and reflect on the "darkness". In the most elemental way, the Creator built our entire universe with each "day" half light and half dark. Could we stand to live in the light all the time? No. Would all darkness be the best? Also no. Each serves its own purpose. The light is for purpose and action. We keep moving and accomplishing in the light. But the dark is for rest and more importantly reflection. It is in the dark quiet moments that we can come face to face with the reality of our lives. It is in those moments when the Creator whispers his message.
Barbara Brown Taylor says, "While this darkness was only a poor cousin of araphel, it alerted me to a question that would preoccupy me for months to come: when we run from darkness, how much do we know about what we are running from? If we turn away from darkness on principle, doing everything we can to avoid because there is simply no telling what it contains, isn't there a chance that what we are running from is God?"
The other thing that gives me pause is on closer investigation of the old book, there are some comments and references that indicate that darkness or the emotions that are ascribed to it are not all bad. In fact a few of them have a pretty elevated place:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit.."
"Blessed are those who mourn.."
"Blessed are the meek.."
Even the man who manifested God was known as "a man of tears" Darkness was not a stranger to him, but was a moment to hear the whispers of illumination.
So while I struggle with the societal disdain of darkness and my own residency in that darkness, I have come to value the lessons learned during those moments. The other primary lesson for me was to give myself a break in the midst of those dark nights, to be unapologetic that discernment is not easy and is not cheap and does not come while in the midst of the sunshine, but in the dark and aloneness of the night.
Godspeed to those who have known more than their share of the dark, we should listen to you because the Creator has granted you a wisdom beyond the norm.
Don
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Snuggling With A Diva
This past Saturday morning dawned calm and clear and borderline cold. As is the usual routine I woke up before my bride and our oldest daughter who was here visiting and my oldest granddaughter. The coffee had percolated just right and I was scrunched up on the back porch rummaging around in Matthew in response to some new thoughts I had been having. My 10-year-old ACU sweatshirt and long flannel sleep pants were just able to keep the cold at bay. The morning disciplines were hitting just the right level of thought, questions, and a few insights that kept slipping in and out of my conscious, linear mind, refusing to be articulated. At this precise moment my 8-year-old granddaughter having beaten both her mother and her Nena out of bed came outside and promptly crawled up in my lap. No invitation, no question, no hesitancy. This left me scrambling to move my coffee out of the spill zone, power down my Kindle and make room for this new moment.
We spent the next 20 minutes or so looking at and identifying the various birds strafing our bird feeder, finding the helicopter that made its presence known with the familiar thup-thup-thup before we could see it, and talking about all things of concern for an 8-year-old. With the usual forethought she had only her sleep pants and sleeveless sleep shirt on, so she was relying on me and my old sweatshirt to keep her warm.
What was so compelling to me was the reminder of how it had been when she was little. Now her legs hang off one side and her head and arms stay close only because I wrangle them in from the other side of the chair. But she cozied up, squeezing her head onto my shoulder and neck and there we sat and visited.
You have to understand how special this was. This girl is not a shy, quiet, hesitant little thing. No, this girl is all drama. Singing and dancing and playing and all done with the volume turned all the way up. When she is happy, she is borderline hysterical. When this girl is sad, she is weepy. She has all the range of a teenager, she might be an emotional prodigy. They were in town to see "Newsies" which I am told is a musical. Since it was not a requirement that I go, it was up to her and her mother and her Nena to fill me in later. But she walks in from the musical with a newsies cap on, a t-shirt, and the CD playing in the car stereo with the volume just this side of a landing jet. Every portion of this girl's life is full volume and full speed ahead.
So when this cyclone known as my eldest granddaughter wanted to snuggle for a moment, I set aside my study, my thoughts, my disciplines for this one moment. I am at the stage in life where I don't know when I will go from beloved granddaddy to an old fogey they don't particularly want to be around. These moments get soaked up and stored away in the memory savings account.
By the time we got cold enough to come in, the parent and the grandmother were both up and making plans for breakfast. I never got back to my study, or my coffee, or my thoughts. Except to realize that our creator must have been okay with this trade. I think sometimes he would prefer we snuggle instead of study. I know from some darker moments that He is a snuggler of hearts.
Godspeed to you all who get a "Phoebe" moment, a moment to sit and visit and snuggle while the morning warms up.
Don
We spent the next 20 minutes or so looking at and identifying the various birds strafing our bird feeder, finding the helicopter that made its presence known with the familiar thup-thup-thup before we could see it, and talking about all things of concern for an 8-year-old. With the usual forethought she had only her sleep pants and sleeveless sleep shirt on, so she was relying on me and my old sweatshirt to keep her warm.
What was so compelling to me was the reminder of how it had been when she was little. Now her legs hang off one side and her head and arms stay close only because I wrangle them in from the other side of the chair. But she cozied up, squeezing her head onto my shoulder and neck and there we sat and visited.
You have to understand how special this was. This girl is not a shy, quiet, hesitant little thing. No, this girl is all drama. Singing and dancing and playing and all done with the volume turned all the way up. When she is happy, she is borderline hysterical. When this girl is sad, she is weepy. She has all the range of a teenager, she might be an emotional prodigy. They were in town to see "Newsies" which I am told is a musical. Since it was not a requirement that I go, it was up to her and her mother and her Nena to fill me in later. But she walks in from the musical with a newsies cap on, a t-shirt, and the CD playing in the car stereo with the volume just this side of a landing jet. Every portion of this girl's life is full volume and full speed ahead.
So when this cyclone known as my eldest granddaughter wanted to snuggle for a moment, I set aside my study, my thoughts, my disciplines for this one moment. I am at the stage in life where I don't know when I will go from beloved granddaddy to an old fogey they don't particularly want to be around. These moments get soaked up and stored away in the memory savings account.
By the time we got cold enough to come in, the parent and the grandmother were both up and making plans for breakfast. I never got back to my study, or my coffee, or my thoughts. Except to realize that our creator must have been okay with this trade. I think sometimes he would prefer we snuggle instead of study. I know from some darker moments that He is a snuggler of hearts.
Godspeed to you all who get a "Phoebe" moment, a moment to sit and visit and snuggle while the morning warms up.
Don
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