For those of you have been kind enough to follow (and occasionally comment) you know that I rarely write or even mention my work. There are a variety of reasons, but mainly it is just that work is not my primary focus in life. I work hard, as we all do, but my work has never really defined me. You also know that I have been on a decade long (or longer) journey in the spiritual disciplines. Hence the name of the blog. The struggles in this area have garnered far more space here than nearly anything else. The "disciplines" as I call them are both a comfort and a pressure. When I am stressed and lonely and depressed the disciplines bring me focus and discernment, it is also these times when the disciplines are the hardest to maintain. Consequently I find them to be the most valuable and most aggravating thing that I do.
Two years ago I left one of the most secure jobs in the industry to try and launch a little company. Only a small part of my motivation was financial. Mostly I wanted to create a company that had a certain culture. This was an opportunity to create a system built on integrity, honesty, collaboration, and ownership. The only flaw in the plan was the current ownership. They/he did not share my vision. It could be a cultural difference with him being Korean, and me being West Texas. Or it could be more personal. But to make a story short in this space, he decided to end our relationship, cutting corners on the original agreement. It would be easy to vilify him and his actions, but in the end I think it came down to the fact that he wanted to deal with people that he could better control and who spend less time making him think through his decision making process (that last sentence just took me 10 minutes to clean up).
So after 20 months of sales increases, bringing legitimacy to his brand, he found a way to cut me loose, to end the agreement and deprive me of the pay out at the end of the agreement. Angry, vindictive, vengeful, ashamed, fearful were the immediate reactions. Response options were numerous. Call all the accounts and tell them in no uncertain terms how unfair it was; legal action to claim my rights under the original agreement; stomp and fuss and try to create all sorts of mischief; these were the thoughts for the first several days.
But the mistake I made in carrying out all those satisfying responses was that I dug deeper into my disciplines. Silence and solitude were especially tough. Prayer and meditation were turbulent at the beginning. The scriptures from the old psalmist about "breaking the teeth of my persecutor" were scanned dozens of times in my studies. Righteousness demanded that I launch an all out spiritual war on this infidel, that the Creator's children could not be abused in this way!
Then in the midst of all this sound and fury, there came a small, still voice, "Don, listen to me." So I finally began to listen to the movement of the Spirit through the disciplines. My ears work pretty good, my heart can be stone deaf. It took two weeks to finally hear the entire message. The first part was pretty straight forward:
Do nothing in revenge.
Let it go.
Look to the future.
Trust Me.
I bucked and pitched and argued and fumed...and finally listened.
For the second part I am still like the little kid who has been forced to apologize, but you can tell by his stance and tone that the words are there, but the intent is still belligerent.
Second part of this message from my disciplines:
Find a way to help.
No! Absolutely not! I will not help him be successful at my expense!
Days later I wrote a letter to the owner and pointed out three areas where he is vulnerable. Revisions to this letter were numerous. I explained the spiritual side of my decision. I assured him I would do nothing to harm his efforts. And I wished him luck. This still sticks in my throat.
My decade long spiritual quest led me to this moment. In a world and industry that does not value integrity, does not practice honesty, and does not reward spiritual formation, the disciplines drove me to action that was so against my nature that it still stuns me and makes me wonder how foolish I am to even contemplate this action and to share it on this blog.
The other portion of this response is to let all of you know, who read this blog, that this is still an enormous struggle for me. I am still afraid of what this will do to me and my bride. We both are living sleepless lives. But I have never been more aware or more sure of the Spirit's leading through my disciplines than I am right now.
So the worlds collided in my head and in my heart. Who won? Who lost? What good did it do?
I have no idea.
Godspeed to those who practice the disciplines; Prayer, Silence, Meditation, Solitude, Study are great in theory, but SCARY in practice. Stick with it, the results are down the road.
Don
