Now that Crosby, Stills and Nash are coursing through your head, let me tell you how my day has gone.
It is Sunday morning, my bride is in Amarillo visiting the grand kids, it is cool and quiet. I have decided to go work out after a Saturday of dietary impropriety. I took my dad to dinner (at 4:30) and his favorite place is Catfish Haven. Fried catfish, fried hushpuppies, and a nod to non-fried, a baked potato. My only defense is I wanted to be a good son and take him where he wanted to go. And, unfortunately, it was really good.
So I drove home late last night, turned in and was up and running to the health club as early as I could get rolling. Sort of a penance for bad behavior.
Arrived at the health club at 6:15AM and hoping I would be alone, but no such luck. There was a guy there with his 10-12 year old daughter. As I walked in, it was obvious he was trying to instruct in the different machines and it seemed that when I arrived his tone went up a little, his demeanor was rude and condescending. AS is the custom at health clubs, I made no comment, did not make eye contact, and went about my business.
But here is what I heard...
"Not like that! You have to adjust for your height! Can't you see the adjustment knob?"
"Hurry up, I'm way past my hour for a workout."
"You need to work out, that's the only way to get rid of your flab"
At this point I almost intervened. I'm still seething and feeling guilty about not doing so. I'm sure he would defend himself and say that he was "teaching" her how to work out.
First of all, never take workout instructions from a 40-year-old guy who has a watermelon belly and stick legs. Either he doesn't know what he is doing or he doesn't believe it. I have managed to attain his level of physical fitness by not exercising and eating the wrong foods (see above)
Secondly, stop showing out in front of the crowd and belittling your kids.
Here is my take on parenting:
1. It takes 10 times more honest encouragement than criticism to raise a healthy, balanced person.
2. There has be equal portions of compassion/firmness; sacrifice/satisfaction; humility/honesty; respect given/taken.
There should be required course for parents to be, before the festivities begin, each parent-to-be should be given a 100 hour course on what it means to be a parent. Of course this would only accelerate the decline in birth rates in America, but we would be so much healthier. Of course we do have a course..it is called being parented. I have no idea what this guys role models are for parenting, but I suspect he is emulating what he saw as a young boy. He thinks teaching is authority and control and dominance and he is teaching his little girl these life lessons. This young girl is learning that men are overbearing, rude, inconsiderate, hypocritical, demanding, and loud. He is teaching her resentment, insecurity, and ultimately insolence. Her future is going to be one filled with trying to find some guy who will not treat her like her father did. Unfortunately, we have all seen women who ended being attracted to precisely the kind of men they experienced as young girls. I shudder to think what kind of life choices she will make due to her young training. I suspect that if she shows up for his funeral, it will be to make sure that this moron, who made her life miserable, is finally in the ground.
But I have to be careful. I have a little of this guy in me. We have too many friends that imploded later in life due to insecurities buried deep in their souls as little girls or little boys, insecurities that sat like a ticking time bomb. When it exploded later, the shrapnel hit their husbands and kids and friends, and the ticking was so quiet no one heard it. The shattering explosion they heard and felt, but not the impending nuclear event. So I have to wonder what I have buried deep within my kids. Did my training set them up to fail? Will they be able to handle the disappointments without destroying themselves or those around them? I may never know, because sometimes the timer is set to go off when the culprit who set the bomb permanently leaves the scene. BOOM! Where did that come from?!??
Yes, indeed, we teach our children well. But character traits like honesty, integrity, compassion, mercy, and humility are more caught than taught. We live what we believe. Teach your kids this, and the rest will work out.
My bride came across a great quote that reminds me that as my kids approach middle age, my job is not done.."When teaching your son, you are teaching your son's son." Chilling.
Godspeed to all of us out there who still have some teaching to do.
Don
3 comments:
I always enjoy your take and perspective on the world! I look forward to reading your blog. This one was particularly interesting since you address the importance of a father in a daughter's, really any child's, life. It allows me to reflect on my relationship with my dad, and to look at my husband's relationship with our children.
I had the great pleasure of being raised by a wonderful man. He was always around. He was always willing to do for me what I needed. He was always willing to teach. My dad was not the greatest teacher in the world, I will admit. He would get frustrated easily, and sometimes he didn't understand why I didn't understand. But he never once belittled me or called me names. He would simply walk away. His face would turn red, and he would get loud, but never mean. I never realized how this affected me until later in my life. Upon seeing a friend of mine get "taught" like the young girl you described, it struck me how lucky I was to have a father who could just walk away. I may have been frustrated at the time, but once we both had time to calm down, we learned what needed to be learned. We both learned how to be flexible, and we both learned how to manage our frustration and anger. This is a lesson I revisit often. I never noticed that I learned how to approach a problem from several angles because of my dad. When he would come back to try again, he always had a different angle. He would always have a fresh way to approach the problem. I have been able to adapt this to my profession. I am able to teach one subject many ways. Just one thing I learned from my dad. There are so many. You also mentioned this young girl will look for a man unlike her father, but she will probably be attracted to a man just like him. I am living proof of the fact that women are attracted to men like their fathers. My husband is so much like my dad it is a bit scary at times. But, I'm blessed to have had a wonderful father. My dad was in no way perfect. Reading about how we often don't see the bomb until after the person who placed it passes, I was intrigued. After my dad died, I didn't know what I would do. I didn't know how to live my life without him. Then, I realized I didn't have to. He had taught me well. He taught me what to do, and his voice is still within me. I know what he would say in so many situations. He taught me how to handle life's ups and downs. So I guess what he planted in me was a type of GPS. Instead of trying to be the opposite of my dad, I try to incorporate him into my life. Since he isn't here to imprint that on my children, I will have to do it. Thankfully, my husband has the same character and loving heart.
I guess I say all of that to say take heart. Parents may not get it right all the time, but the love and support we show our children remains beyond our own life. I pray for more men like my dad, my husband, and you, and I pray for fewer men like the one you described. I completely agree that becoming a parent should require a course. Until then, prayer is our best offense and defense. Looking forward to the next installment of life!
Emily
Thanks for the response. Of course there are always "good" situations out there, so it is a joy to read yours. And the cycle can be broken that is damaging. My wife struggled with an abusive dad, and an emotionally estranged one, but my bride carried through, refused to be molded completely by him.
Great words, thanks
Don
Once again, great words of wisdom from you... I am raising an 11 year alone. Appreciate your advise...
Bella
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