What a Shame

Philip Seymour Hoffman died about a week ago of an overdose. There has been memorials, testimonies by other celebrities, a general shake of the head of a culture and the muttered, "What a shame." And it is a shame. He was talented, he had a certain level of fame, it appears he was a kind and loving father, he was unassuming in his neighborhood in NYC. But he dies prematurely due to a series of poor choices. It wasn't cancer. The plane did not fall out of the sky. A gunman didn't take him down in a shopping center. He bought the drugs, he prepped the drugs, and he stuck the needle in his arm. And he died by his own hand. Even as I write this it sounds cruel, unforgiving. That is not my intent. You see, I think we all die a bit by our own hand.

We are the sum of our decisions. It is as simple as that. As I reflect on my now almost 60 years I can point to a few key decisions that changed my life forever. Who I married has given me great joy. It could have turned out so differently if I had chosen someone else. Playing out that decision resulted in children who have brought me joy and comfort and sleepless nights. But it was the result of the first decision. Career choices have been marked as good and bad, but would I be in the spot I am now if any one of those decisions had been different? Because each one presented an array of options that I picked and followed the path. So I am sum of those decisions.

You may be thinking, "But wait, I didn't choose the cancer/divorce/slick road/bad boss" But you did choose the responses to all those things. While the event may have been random, your response was not. And we are formed by the decisions in the midst of those trials, not by the trials. Just in the past couple of years have I realized that my attitude, my demeanor is a result of my decisions. There are a couple of terms that I learned while getting my Masters. Orthodoxy is what we believe in our heads. Orthopraxy is what we do with what we believe. Orthodoxy drives or forms orthopraxy. In other words, what we really believe is what we live. Our decisions are a reflection of what we believe. We can't act our way to better thinking, we think our way to better acting. Religion and self-help gurus and diet plans all get this wrong. Until we decide in our heads, it will never lastingly apply to our actions.

Each of us die a little by our own hand. For me it is insecurity about my place in the world, for you it may be a bitterness about your childhood, or for another it may be a addiction. But our decisions about whatever the circumstance, if the decision is harmful, is from our own hand. And it is a shame.

I think the Creator looks down and wants the best for us, but allows us to make our own decisions, to live and die as a result of our own thinking. That is why so much emphasis is on "faith" the embodiment of our thinking, our decisions.

Godspeed to all on the journey. We each decide the journey's course, the backpack we will carry, and the companions we will travel with.
Don