Yesterday I followed an interesting FB conversation between a well-intentioned guy and a defensive gal. As the guy kept posting I kept thinking to myself, "Dude, stop digging, the hole is getting too deep to get out of." About that time he simply said he was going to stop talking. Finally.
The topic was prompted by a lady who posted something about being nostalgic when seeing older couples who have been married for 50+ years and how sweet and admirable that is in today's culture. She went on to say that they had of course had tough times and weak moments, but had somehow persevered through it all to the promised land of the golden years. It was a kind enough post and certainly didn't seemed accusatory of anyone.
But as I read the back and forth from the two who read the post and were impacted in completely opposite ways, it occurred to me that even the most innocuous comment can have unexpected consequences. The guy had a long marriage with a lot of trauma and was grateful for the steadfastness of his wife for all the trouble, and for her faithfulness in that time. The lady felt that she had tried and tried and had finally pitched it all in to save what she could of herself and her family. She felt the article was an indictment of her failure and the post raised the regret that never lurks far from the surface. And there is significant truth in her perspective. There is no way the guy or me to understand the complete devastation that this calamitous event causes. We can guess, we can conjecture, we can even empathize, but we can't know; not the deep, soul-bruising, crushing, suffocating first hand knowledge.
But having logged 38 years in this particular journey there are a few things that I do know.
- Long-marrieds know all too well how tenuous the bond is that they agreed to all those years ago. Better than anyone we know that it was not some unbounded love. In fact, I will tell you with full assurance and openness that there are years, yes, I said YEARS, where love has disappeared with no guarantee that it would return. There were long periods of time when one or both of us were unlovable.
- Long-marrieds know that the fight is never over. It settles down some when the major wars have been fought (career wars, sex wars, money wars, teen wars,.....) I think at some level we learn that it is simply too exhausting to keep battling when it is easier to let a lot of things slide. After about 40 years of age, almost no one changes. Neither partner is perfect, both are annoying in their own way, both see the ironies in the other but not in themselves, and neither is going to change much. But by year 35 or so both are so arm-weary that they let the gloves drop a little. Long term marriages are made up of two very tough-minded people, this trait never goes away. They have to work it out.
- Long-marrieds know that having kept this tenuous union together this long is not a matter of skill, or perfect love, or intelligence, or even faith. It is kept together by a curious combination at various times of pure, dumb luck and a deep-seated exasperating stubbornness. There is a saying that surviving soldiers are not necessarily heroic, but lucky. The divide is not skill, but luck...
- And somewhere along the line we all learn that we each live "Plan B" (I've written about this in another blog, so the idea is not new to my faithful few readers) We each think at various times that this was not what I bargained for. This was not the marriage that I dreamed of during the wedding rehearsals. This marriage has at least one (and the designated person isn't always the same one) partner that says and/or does the wrong thing. This was not the deal I signed up for.
- And long-marrieds have learned that there is not a greater feeling in the world than to realize that the person they sleep next to every night is the one person in the world that has gone through every battle, suffered every disgrace, had their back day in and day out, wept with through the long and lonely nights, clung to when the storms of life have conspired to tear them apart, held them when there was nowhere else to turn. They realize that this has been the partner in the journey where the greatest highs were shared, the deepest and most intimate love was enjoyed, where the greatest accomplishments were partnered. But the longer they have been married, the less they take this for granted.
So when we see these folks holding hands, or grabbing a quick kiss, the hands are scarred and tired, and the lips have said some ugly things. But these two souls are hoping to finish the race even though the track took them places they never would have imagined. And they feel great empathy towards others who could not finish the race as they had imagined in the beginning. It is not my intent to point out how much better anyone is than anyone else, it is my point to say that really good people get crushed in this marriage deal, and really bad people sometimes fair better than they deserve. Long-marrieds know this all too well..
Godspeed, to all the long-marrieds, to the just started-outers, to those who have had to revision their future.
Don
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