Re-Orientation

If you are looking for something funny or enlightening or thought-provoking..let me suggest you go someone else's blog. I am going to take few minutes and feel sorry for myself. This is a job we all have to do for ourselves. No one will do it for us.

The past six months have been a study in anticipation followed by terrible disappointment which creates frustration which turns into anger which slowly dissolves into self-doubt.
For six months I have been trying to find the next step (I would like for it to be the last step) in my career. A constant has been the hope that I would work with people of integrity, and people I enjoy. Who knows if this will happen. We almost had deals done only to have investors disappear, money disappear, hope taking a beating. I turned down a couple of job opportunities because I knew the character of the people making the offer and knew that eventually the lack of integrity would attach to me. So I risked the short-term monetary reward on a moral decision. I have put myself and my bride's future at risk to cling to a version of my own integrity. Was it a good decision? I don't know. We have lasted six months because we believe that the merits of spiritual disciplines, particularly frugal living, have garnered us some time. But now the money is running out and very little is appearing on the horizon.

I have discovered some things:
1. I like to work. This has taught me that retirement is not something that I intend to work towards. I like the challenge; mental, physical, emotional of making things happen. It is probably part of my makeup that has driven me forward as long as I can remember.
2. That as a man, this constant rejection is hard to take. It also makes one paranoid. Every non-returned call, email not responded to, delay of decision becomes a statement about my worth. When I am working and being productive it is easy to forgive these slights because I understand the pace of play. But when I am waiting on this end, it is a comment on my worth to society. Then all this bleeds over into all other areas of life, friends and kids and wife all begin to look like they would rather not "return the call" Their lives move on, money is made, decisions are made, the world swirls on, leaving you wondering what happened. The only other one who can't move on is your bride, she is stuck in the same void. So you end up hurting the one you care most about..which does another number on your self-esteem. If I could figure out how to move her out of the line of fire I would do so in a heartbeat. But I have learned that we do not live out our lives in a vacuum, it is lived in the context of others.
3. It is an odd time for a lot of people who are having to "start over" and consider options that only 6 months ago were off the table. Now instead of being the VP of Sales, I need to consider a position that used to fall under my management. The world is reorganizing itself and some us with it. I am not too proud to do this work, it is just that it a step further back than I anticipated. I had a mentor when I was a young man named Charles Pervier. He told me he would do whatever was required as long as he could handle it physically. He said he was not too proud to dig ditches, if his 60-year-old back could hold up. This guy was pretty high up at AT&T. I have taken his words to heart.
4. You have to keep your life as normal as you can. Still go out and see friends, order water instead of wine, split the meal with your bride, let her pick and eat whatever she wants, keep working out, keep your spiritual disciplines in line, try to find ways to help people around you, stay focused on the joys of the moment. This is hard, my bride asked me yesterday if a particular time away helped me forget the frustration of the job search. In a way, yes, but in a very real sense it is never out of my mind, because it has such huge implications for us.

Well we are almost at the end of the pity party. It is time to strap on my pack and get moving again. The best description of me in most tough situations is "dumb and durable" This is simply one of those times when it is best to keep doing what I know will work, take the next step, pack and stow my pride, keep moving.

Godspeed out there. Those who are in the same situation I am should understand that it is not the best and brightest that are still working..but the luckiest.
Don