Old Wounds

In my in-between time in the career journey I decided to straighten up and organize all our papers/bills/tax returns/business papers, etc. and clear out what I could. As I sorted and tossed, it is impossible not to read through the material looking for worth. I work better when I can see everything. So the explosion of paper all over the upstairs was quite impressive.

While working my way through this I came upon all the lesson plans and process development and communication while with the church 4 years ago. The study material and the nice notes were all going into a stack and the calendars and meeting notes were going into the trash. In the midst of all this I came across the final communiques from the leadership and their stern and unbending response to my being there. I would like to say that the anger returned slowly, built to a point, then subsided. Sadly, it mushroomed in my head and heart like all of this had happened yesterday. It seems that I have not progressed much in the past few years. The leadership treated us poorly, subjected both me and my bride to unwarranted grief, and tossed us aside like so much rubbish.

This discovery tempered the rest of my day. It left me angry, morose, and disappointed in myself. To let them have that sort of control over me made the anger even harder to deal with. I spent a few minutes last night with my closest friend and spiritual advisor and he helped me work through it, but it reminded me that the things that make me who I am also create some of the deepest concerns about myself.

I prize loyalty over all else. I give it too easily, and am deeply wounded when it is violated. The leadership team chose to be critics instead of advocates. They did not have the hearts of shepherds, but of controllers. There were/are people still at that located church that we feel close to, people who proved in the subsequent years that they cared more for us, than the job I did. We have not heard from any of the leaders, not one. You would think that they would have a concern for someone that they felt had been led there by the Spirit. They had no loyalty to me or the ministry that I had sacrificed to achieve. You see, loyalty is only expected to be a one-way street, controllers feel no compulsion to reciprocate.

The other thing that really opened the wound again was the knowledge that I was the only one who still cared about this. These leader/controllers have long since forgotten how they treated us. So in some sense they still win. The positive out of all this was the clearly exhibited nature of church leadership as we know it today. This is why I am so adamant about being excluded from the "organizational" church, it is the church that hurts people, and hurts them deeply. It has changed my entire view of what the church is and what it should be doing.

I wonder how many men and families have suffered this same fate? I know of a few, but there has to be thousands over the past few years. Men who are having to find their ministry out of the context of "organizational" church. Men who are having to redefine what it means to be a minister, a missionary. Perhaps we all have to redefine what it means in a culture that has rejected Christianity as a world-view.

The anger has subsided. The cleaning process continues today. The purposes of God continue. The wound is scabbed over a little, hopefully forever. These leader/controllers are simply not worth this amount of angst.

These anger events leave me tired.

Godspeed, never mind my grumbling/mumbling, I'll stop in a little while.

Don