Invaders

Years ago I used to eat lunch at McD's. It was quick, it was easy, it was cheap, it was not particularly good for me. I knew what I wanted, I could eat in Dallas or Denver, or Detroit and it all tasted the same. No surprises. Then they put in those plastic, child-eating, in-door playgrounds. The place was instantly invaded by a crowd of toddlers. Sigh. So I had to find somewhere else to go.

Then I found Chik-fil-A. Better food, cleaner restrooms, nice people. I could eat some chicken strips with ice tea and calmly enjoy my meal. About this time I began to notice that they were putting in those in-door playgrounds. Uh oh. Here they came. Hordes of soccer moms in their huge shiny Suburbans and Tahoes, ready to run me and my little Ranger down trying to get to the best parking spot. As I would stand in line it occurred to me that there seemed to be factory somewhere stamping out these young women and their kids. You know the ones I mean, blonde hair pulled back through their little baseball caps, jogging suits with contrast stripes, and kids...lots and lots of kids. I can almost look at them and guess the year model, that one is an '80 model, that is an '78 with some after-market upgrades. For self preservation alone I had to find a new place.

About a week ago I was having an early lunch before a job interview at my favorite restaurant..Panera Bread. As I sat there and ate my salad I noticed a young mom come in with a toddler in tow and an infant in a stroller. Being the grandaddy I am, I smiled and enjoyed watching her unfold, unpack, and settle in. How cute, what memories. Then another showed up, and another, and another. You have GOT to be kidding! I was trapped by a convoy of strollers and diaper bags and kids! I wanted to jump up on the table and shout at them that this was MY place, there are no playgrounds, no chicken strips, no changing tables! Is there no place sacred?!? Isn't there any place I can go to escape the invaders? So I bolted out of the place before some grimy little hands smeared peanut butter on my slacks.

Finally I figured out a phenomenon in our society. Luby's. 4 o'clock. I don't like the food, don't like eating dinner at 4PM, don't enjoy eating with an entire restaurant full of retirees. But it is the only place in America that is toddler- soccer mom-playground-proof. Probably none of the folks in there like the idea of eating displaced hospital food in the middle of the afternoon either, but it is the only place where they can park, not get run down by an SUV, and eat in peace and quiet, and not break a hip tripping on a stroller getting out. So I guess the Luanne platter is in my future.

Godspeed to all you old coots, see you at 4.
Don