Anger-Easy to Lose, Hard to Control

There are not many moments in my life anymore where I lose my temper. Oh I get grumpy and I get testy, some might say my sarcasm is a form of anger. But I rarely get chest-heavy, fist-clenching, red-faced, looking-for-a-nose-to-smash angry. First of all it takes too much energy. I am not into high maintenance emotional fits. Life is too short, etc.

But every once in a while, there is a moment, a situation that just goes all over me. What surprises me is the suddenness of it all. For some odd reason I never see it coming. One minute I'm sitting there, calm as can be, the next moment I am so angry that I'm speechless (hard to believe, I know) throat knotted up, all kinds of screaming in my head, but nothing coming out of my mouth. And it really doesn't help if someone points out that my face and body language show that I am angry.

But I was beyond pissed. Angry at the situation, angry that I wasn't doing a very good job of controlling my thoughts, angry about it all. As I have gotten older I have learned to keep my mouth shut. There is not going to be anything constructive come out anyway, so clamp down, grind the teeth together, cool down. Then come back and deal with it later.
Words to the old song, "Angry words, oh let them never, from the tongue unbridled slip." These are good words, wise words. A day later, it is nice to know that the teaching from the last 50 years or so has finally sunk in. I did not lose my cool. I shut down to keep from exploding, got my heart rate back to normal, and left on a business trip. I will deal with the issues later, in a more controlled and thoughtful way.

What needs to happen now is the de-briefing. Why was I so angry? What prompted this internal eruption? Is it simply the situation or are there other issues? unspoken? un-examined? I will let you know.

I will say this, it sure cleared the room. The other folks wanted no part of this. When my boss asked me if I wanted to say anything, I looked him in the eye and said, "no" Clearly he was looking for an outburst. I think it concerns people to be around others who have significant internal control, even when it is apparent that they are having to control it.

Sigh.
Godspeed, a disaster averted. I am now trudging along on this journey, deep in thought and self-reflection. But feeling better that I didn't give in to the terrible urge to lash out.
Don