Families are a blessing...most of the time. It is one of the organisms that can be viewed from the outside and completely misinterpreted by those observing. I think intellectually we understand that not all is as it seems, but we get tricked by the visual evidence to the contrary. Nice stuff, big smiles are simply a veneer that thinly covers the insecurities, the grudges, the uneven treatment of family members.
This is especially true in the resolution of an estate of any member of the member. It simply rips the veneer away and exposes all the ugly truths. Anger over events from decades past comes bounding out of the abyss that had been carefully hidden. Gracious treatment of one family member is rationalized while railroading another member simply because they are less pleasant to deal with, or are perceived to not have the wherewithal to defend themselves. Squabbling, accusations, em battlement are the order of the day, all wrapped in the mourning of a loved one.
Why is this so common? At a time when the family should be coalesced into a united front, shouldering the pain and uncertainty of each other, mourning and remembering together, it instead turns into a time of accusations and covert conversations and combative confrontations.
It can't be the "stuff" can it? Aren't we more mature than that? Why are we so willing to sacrifice the life-long relationships to settle out the estate? I've about decided that the ties that bind are the ugly side of this event. At this point in time, no one else will have us. We are forced together because all the stuff has to be disseminated. Are we really willing to destroy a relationship, right when we need it most, because of a few dollars? Can we move the decimal place enough either way to ransom the family? I'm here to tell you this moment in time brings out the true, gritty, gutty parts of a family. It reveals the true nature of people, if you thought someone was greedy and self-centered, it comes out now. If a person is a true peace-maker, it comes out now, if a bully - now, if a marginalized family member - now. I have decided that the spirit of generosity is a built-in chip, we either have it or we don't. This is especially true in a family mourning a loved one lost.
I think I will give all my stuff away just before I die. All I will have left are the skivvies I'm wearing (the final act of true love, to be wearing skivvies when they find me)
Oh well, Godspeed out there.
Hug your loved ones now, before the settlement of the estate.
Don
3 comments:
Why don't you hold on to some pajama pants and a sweatshirt, too?
Miss you. Can't wait to see you this weekend!
Jordan is right, we want you to be wearing pants and I don't think any of us will argue over your western pajama pants!
WE just have worry if Mom goes first because you will throw everythign away before we get the chance to "discuss" who gets what!
Miss you!
I have seen the ugly side of families all to often. I've also seen the love and commitment a family has. I have often wondered what motivates people to be either one. Is it the true nature of people finally being revealed? Or is it just easier to argue over the trivial? Is it easier because the stuff is, in fact, tangible and here? Do some people need to fight over the monetary gains because they can't deal with the true unbearableness (is that a word? Jordan will have to let me know!) of the loss of the loved one? I wish there was some sort of sign that would tell us. I know my sister became blunt and seemingly unfeeling about my dad's passing. The truth was, she did not know how to process the feelings she was having. It was easier to supress the emotion than to sort through it. Maybe the act of sorting through the "stuff" helps sort through the emotion. I just don't know. Of course, I have seen families who were the picture of grace and love. You just never know until you get there.
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