The journey this week has taken me to Phoenix and now to Portland (I seem to be stuck in cities of "p") The last leg of my trip was from Phoenix to Portland, and was well into the late evening. Since I had a window seat, with no one beside me, I was able to look out at the darkness and watch the town lights slide by below. It is moment of reflection for me, dark inside the plane, no one talking, solitude at 30,000 ft.
And as I sat and pondered various thoughts and ideas, my mind came to rest on the concept, the idea of spiritual prayer. We rarely question the need, the existence of the need for prayer. But I was really reviewing the consequences of my prayer life. Seemingly clear positive answers at times, unsettling negative answers, stunning and overwhelming silence for the rest of the time.
I reflected on the time in my life when my mother became ill with cancer and ultimately died in May 1982 of this detestable disease. My prayers were answered negatively, she was only 3 years older than I am now. The prayers over my kids, all who have grown into mature, believing adults, who are active in their faith, who are good people and married to good people. Positive answers to deep and fretful prayers. The recent re occurrence of my oldest daughter's cancer, the sobbing prayers late at night, not yet answered. Prayers offered for big concerns, and to my embarrassment, prayers offered for trivia.
For seven or eight years now, disciplined time in prayer, focused meditation around the prayer, study that enlightens the prayer, silence in the hope that prayer will investigate me, rather than my investigating it.
But at some point, the mind asks for alternatives. Are we simply living out the sheer possibility of probability. My mother died even though I and others prayed as deeply and selflessly as we could. Were the odds just simply against her? Are we simply in the fortunate few who have had good kids, who make good choices, who find good mates? Where one or two or all three simply "lucked out"? Is there some other poor family out there who ended up with a child that simply makes all the bad decisions and the odds caught up with them? Is my oldest daughter simply living out the odds?
Can we bear to consider this? Would a penny flipped a certain number of times come to expect that if it landed heads up that it was divine intervention? but that if it landed heads down it told itself that the divine answer was "no"? When in reality every time the penny is flipped it has a 50/50 chance of landing either way? I will tell you that if you want to really get some honest speculation, talk to someone who has lost someone so dear, that years later they still tear up trying to explain their loss; talk to a minster that has lost his vocation and ministry because he/she did what they thought was best and ended up crosswise with a less invested leadership group; talk to someone who has wandered into the wilderness of addiction or abuse or heartache, and see what their perspective is on the subject of prayer.
In my next post I will tell you what I think, but I would love to hear from you, either by opinion or story.
Maybe next time I'll just ask for an aisle seat.
Let me know.
Godspeed.
Don
2 comments:
Hello Don. My name is Emily, and I am a friend of Jordan's. Eli and my son Douglas are the same age, and they love being in Sunday School together! I read your blog often, and I am always interested in what you have to say. It's thought provoking, and I love thinking about the points you bring up. This post rings very close to home for me, and I would like to offer my perspective. I lost my daddy in March after a very short and hard battle with colon cancer. He was diagnosed less than a year before he died. I prayed hard and often for him to be healed. It looked like it was working for a while. then, he suddenly went into the hospital, and he never returned. I had to watch the man I looked up to my whole life waste away in front of me. As you are aware, losing a parent in this fashion is devestating. Losing a parent in any way is devestating. My daddy was so important to me, and to have him ripped away from me and my family was almost more than I could take. It is still so hard to go day to day without him. Through all of this, I never questioned God. I am not sure why, but i have never blamed God for taking him. I don't feel that I didn't pray hard enough or that I didn't have enough faith in my prayers. I strongly believe that we go through these hard times to grow. We grow spiritually and emotionally. God puts us to the fire not to hurt us, but to forge us and make us stronger. I know that I appreciate the relationship my husband has with our kids much more, and I encourage him to build that relationship more. I watched my mother be held up by loving, Godly friends through all of this. I see God providing for my mom, my sister, and myself over and over again. Just because my prayers weren't answered how I wanted them doesn't mean prayer doesn't work. I don't feel that at all. I don't think this was bad luck. I think this is a "teachable moment" in my life. When the pressure was on, we didn't break and splinter. We came together and solidified. My faith is stronger now than ever. I watched a truly noble, Christian man die in digninty and love. He was not affraid, and that taught me so much. He accepted his reward in grace and confidence. I am not sure how I would have learned all of that if my prayers had been answered to my liking. Sometimes the silence is present to make us listen more closely. I hope that all made sense. I look forward to reading your next entry.
I don’t think I can add much to what Emily has just stated so beautifully. I have traveled a much different path and come to a similar understanding of hardship and prayer… go figure! So just let me say that I appreciate your thought-provoking blog and read it often. Please continue.
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