We all reach a moment when the stresses of life seem to stack up on us and infiltrate all other moments. For the past several months and in particular the last month or so has managed to align the deepest stresses for me and land them on my head and on my heart. Each of our three kids and kids-in-law have a major shift going for them. Some will be short term, some will have a lasting impact. We have generally kept quiet and only offered solace blended with a tiny bit of advice. My bride is struggling with work set backs, dealing with a reluctant parent being moved into assisted living, and concerned over her grown and not so grown chicks. My work has been particularly challenging with a new system transition in our job place that has created continuing and nagging non-closures. So the mind becomes a bit numb and the discipline of prayer either escalates or withers depending on my mood and temperament.
Prayer has always been a struggle for me. It is the one spiritual discipline that I wish would be more natural. Of course there are moments when it is intense and vibrant, but generally it is sporadic and unfulfilling (not sure this is a good confession coming from someone who has spent a great deal of time learning the disciplines). Perhaps it is my natural bent towards skepticism, or maybe I am just not a quick learner, or it could be as simple as laziness. But when the stresses build to a certain point, you are driven to ask the one who made it all the simple question, "What now?"
Several weeks ago I found myself with a late night drive from Amarillo to Red Oak. Because of circumstances and the pressures of the following day I would be driving alone. So as I prepared to leave the going away reception for my eldest (one of the stresses mentioned above) it occurred to me that this was an ideal time to spend the time alone, to think, to pray, to let the mind wander (and wonder) over all the stress that has engulfed me. The trip was made leaving about 7:30PM to arrive home about 1:30AM. And I drove it with no radio on, or listening to music on my iPhone. The trip was made in silence. Which brings me back to the prayer conundrum.
At first I tried to pray on each situation. This prayer for my oldest daughter moving to the Dallas area after raising her family in Amarillo for 17 years. Another prayer for my son and their struggles with a new home in a new place in a new situation. And the prayer for my youngest in her struggle to handle all the pressures of teaching 2nd graders and raising her own and caring for a foster baby for over a year now. The prayer for my bride and all she has piling up on her. And the prayer for the family making a huge step of faith to align themselves with my company based primarily on their trust in me and how that works in the midst of huge shift.
The articulated prayers lasted about 30 minutes..or until about Claude, TX (look it up). Well crafted prayers they were too. Carefully laying out all the reasons they should be answered the way I presented them. Drove another 30 minutes....no answer. Tried it again, slight changes, a little bargaining...another 30 minutes...no answer.
But then the most amazing thing happened. I stopped praying. It was enough to sit and let my fear and anger and control and humiliation and self awareness just sweep around me inside the car. It is hard to explain the concept of just letting my emotions dictate the moment. To give up my perception that the process was supposed to follow a certain pattern.
As the miles slipped behind me and the words had stopped coming, the emotions of my distress slowly dissipated. I was not left with joy or exhilaration, but sense of calm. The prayers of my mind had created greater stress and were not answered , the prayers of my heart created peace and that was the answer I needed. In the final thoughts it occurred to me that the answers to problems are still not resolved, but God has answered the prayer.
There will be other moments of stress in the time I have left. The physical answers might not seem what is best. But the real insight is that God wants to answer our hearts, not our desires. I hope this gives someone hope who struggles with the concept of "thundering silence" as I have. To be close to destruction in your spiritual walk and to hear...nothing. It is because God chooses to not speak to us, but to hug us close..to answer the prayer whispered by our hearts.
Godspeed to those who can feel God's love even when you can't hear his words. This is a prayer of different sort.
Don
1 comment:
Very good, Uncle Don. Prayer is difficult for me too. We just heard a sermon reminding us that God does answer. It may not be an answer we want or expect, but He does answer. What father would give his son a stone when asked for bread? I was reminded that there are certainly situations in which the answer looks like stone. But, the problem is perception and trust. Anyway, your thought was a good one, and it definitely helped me!
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