Panic! Then Calmmm

Panic attacks used to be a part of my daily life. They tend to spring up like spring storms, rage around in my psyche for a time, then blow themselves out. You know the feeling, tight chest coupled with anxiety with a dash of fear, panic.

They seem to hit late at night. I'm asleep or in that between-sleep moment. Something gets into my head and the thought strings take me to the worst possible conclusions. It is like running down a very steep hill, the legs are working faster and faster, but the forward body lean is moving faster than the legs. You know you are going to crash. You know it is going to hurt. You know there is nothing you can do about it. Meanwhile your mind is racing, looking for answers, and hoping to survive the crash.

In the midst of all this job search I have not had a single moment of panic...until last night. It hit around 3:30AM, and all I could think of was the way all the possibilities could go away. They could choose someone else, the money won't come in, nothing will turn out right. My eyes popped open with all these thoughts and fears chasing each other around in my head. Sleep was gone and gone for good it seemed.

In the past, this panic would survive for days in my soul. There was a point not a few years ago that I needed prescription help in order to function. For some reason when a grown man bursts into tears during a sales presentation everyone gets really uncomfortable. It only lasted 30 days or so, but there was not any real way to get through the day emotionally. By the way, these prescriptions don't help you feel better, they simply flatten out the emotional ride, so you feel sort of blah all day long. Functional but not fun.

So being far from home (I'm in California trying to get a deal put together) I followed my own advice. All the times before prayer would fill my head, anguished pleas to God to relieve this pain. sometimes it would take a few days, sometimes life just interrupted this part of my attack. I got out of bed, opened my thin-line and read from the psalmist, then prayed. Only in a handful of cases has the calm returned quickly, but this was one of those times. I read for an hour, intermittently praying, and dozed off in the chair. Calm rested again in my soul. Confidence was again restored, life will continue to be led by someone far more adept at living than I am. It is a wonder to behold when the Spirit steps in and does the work.

I am not very good at this spiritual disciplines gig, but I have great interest and belief that it has deep consequences (or results, whichever word you feel comfortable with) The panic attack is over, only a slight tremor in my soul.

Godspeed out there. The hand of God can calm or destroy. I guess it depends on our intent.
Don