Tipping Point

Here I sit at Starbucks with my Pike's Place and my danish, 7AM, trying to solve one of the great mysteries of life. I am out and about early because the lady who comes to help clean the house arrived at 6:45, and it makes me highly uncomfortable to be there when she cleans.
Here is the mystery. I spent a portion of last night and this morning straightening up for the cleaning lady. Let that sink in for a moment. Her job is to clean, but I can't stand having her show up to a cluttered house. Am I that poorly wrapped? My self-esteem is so low I can't bear to have someone I hardly know make judgments about me and how I live. So I grabbed my briefcase, some reading material, a quick kiss from my bride and scurried out. Avoidance is a wonderful thing.
But my despair over my inability to handle this revelation only got worse as I began to realize that this aspect of my nature reaches deeply into everything I do.

Church: we go to the effort of getting nicely dressed, argue and snip at our family on the way to church, then with a broad smile and warm handshake we greet our friends and glibly assure everyone that life is indeed grand in every way. The kids are the best (although a little shell shocked from being verbally roughed up in the car.) The marriage is still full of romance (although the last 2 miles were traveled in stony silence.) Career is in full swing (although the meeting on Monday creates night sweats and a very heavy feeling in the chest.) Other than that, though, the greetings at church are genuine.

Work: senior management has taken years to get to, and all I can think of is a way to get a day off. We act confident, but dread the constant conflict. Everyone else seems to have it together, and half the time I can't find my stuff. I worry over events I can't control, and stress over the people who make my life miserable. But all this is hid behind a very good act. Confidence, ability, strength, visionary, are all words we like to assign, but in reality fear, uncertainty, stress and mild annoyance at nearly everyone permeates this dual life.

You see where all this is going.
I like old people. They have reached the age where they can simply live life honestly. My observation is that half of the old folks I know are genuinely fun and you simply can't ruffle them. They approach everyone with a spirit and humility (about others and themselves) that is just fun to be around. The other half are grumpy, cranky, and outspoken. They tell it like it is, whether you want to hear it or not.

I'm at the tipping point. It can still go either way. Part of the time I really enjoy interacting with folks regardless of their station in life (although I do prefer blue collar over white collar, they are a little more honest about life.) The other half of my life these are the thoughts that run through my mind:
"Pull your pants up, you look like a punk!"
"Turn that crap down!"
"The speed limit is not a suggestion! Slow down before you kill somebody!"
"Leave me alone, I have the turn indicator on because I will turn left eventually!"

To sum it all up, my bride of 33 years keeps asking me this question: "How old ARE you?"
Well, I'm old enough to make the lady cleaning the house do ALL the work, next week, maybe.

I liked last years model of me better.
Godspeed my friends, and lets be honest out there.
Don