Discontent

These past few months have been odd for me. It has been a season of trying and not seeing benefit. It has been a season of worry over a great many small things which leads to a life of worry in the big things. It has been a season of discontent.

I wish I could say that this is the first time in my 59 years that this has happened, but this is simply not so. There have been times when the discontent was greater, with far graver issues driving the mood. There have been times when this discontent has lasted longer, a few times it has been for years, several seasons in fact. There have been times when the discontent would seem sharper or deeper. But this is the moment I find myself in.

In the past I have wondered if this were due to some personality disorder. Being of Irish descent, I have read that Irish can be moody. My bride will attest to the fact that at times I am not good company, silent, uncommunicative, restive, remote. She does not find these moments in the least romantic. She finds them irksome, and I don't blame her. But I am far enough removed from my heritage on the emerald isle to know that  my DNA is not the sole blame.

During my young adult years I wondered if it were some deep spiritual flaw. That somehow I had taken a wrong turn and wandered away from the god and church of my youth. There seemed to be a message from the church that if I were not happy, then the fault fell squarely on my shoulders and I best snap out of it. These were the times when God chose to remain silent, not helping the feeling one bit. I have not found the church as we know it today to be much help in this arena. It seems we spend a lot of time trying to convince each other that all is right, that we are right, and this self-imposed righteousness will prevail. But all this did for me was to drive the discontent underground, or under surface. Probably not the healthiest reaction.

And now I wonder how deeply this has affected my children. There are moments when I see this darkness reside in them. It makes my heart ache that this was my legacy to them. A deep and unsettling creature that resides within, waiting to surface and squash the natural joy should be the norm and not the exception. We teach with our lives, not our words. What was my lesson to them? Like a bill in the mail, I hate to even look. My only hope is that they also received the resolve and the strenght that my bride brings to the equation. It is my prayer that this will be enough to see them through.

Then about 10 years ago I began the journey of spiritual pursuit, delving into the recesses of my heart and mind and thought. Somewhere in all that it occurred to me that whatever forces drew toghether to create me, created me as I am. My nature is to question, and to question is to find answers that can be unsettling. DNA, God, parents, friends, experiences, philosophy, decisions all were mixed in the cauldron of my life and produced...me. Part of this is my bent towards discontent. But it is this discontent that will not let me rest. It is what drives me forward. It is what allows me to venture into events and circumstances where most sane people would not go. With a modest intellect and a sturdy body, and a constant quest for new ideas and thoughts and experiences, I have managed to develop a world around me that is filled with the very love that makes me worry. It occurred to me that one element of this fabric is my struggle with discontent.

I have never struggled with long bouts of depression, but I have come to realize that being a functional skeptic has its price. Discontent is the price for a searching mind and a restless soul.

Godspeed, I hope the journey is a good one. It is the discontent that drives me to pick up my pack, to turn down the trail and continue on. At times the journey is beautiful and at times it is hard, but it is the only journey I get. If you struggle with the discontent, I feel for you, we both carry the burden..and the reward of this discontent.
Don