Marriage Conflict Solutions

After much reflection and years of experience (36 to be exact) I have decided that the cause of most marital conflict is two-fold.

Here is an example of a conversation just this morning. I am in the shower after our workout, my bride is at the sink doing whatever it is that women do in front of the mirror.

She says something to me that sounds like, "What are we doing today?"
I respond to her question, "We are meeting Ben and Sarah for lunch at CPK in north Dallas!"

No answer.

As I think about what to wear, I yell, "What is the temp supposed to be today?"

She yanks open the shower door and claims that is exactly what she just asked me, so she guesses the answer is "CPK!"

In years gone by this entire exchange might have been the distant roll of thunder leading up to a violent thunderstorm of marital unrest. I don't listen, she doesn't answer my questions, on and on. Now we laugh.

Experts tell us that lack of communication is one of the primary causes of divorce. I submit that the primary cause is too much communication! Oh, we guys learn early the folly of responding to trap questions like, "Does this make me look fat?" or "Which of these shoes do you like best?" After 36 years we have the scars to show for these missteps. You can't fool us with these anymore. But we still get drawn off-sides by the blather of the so-called "experts" that tell us we must open up the cupboard and bare our souls over any and all questions. It seems to me that we need to spend a little time thinking about what we will fight about, and what is simply not worth the effort.

Here are some areas of past conflict that simply don't need to be revisited:
Me: Good at discussing home improvement, in favor of home improvement, like shopping for home improvement, don't mind buying materials for home improvement..don't like DOING home improvement.
Her: Getting knick-knacks for the house. I'm being kind here. She can find beauty in stuff that has lost its usefulness long ago, but she crafts it into all manner of decorations. I don't get it.

But why fight about these things? We have long ago established the argument guidelines, we don't need to revisit them. It is pretty clear after 36 years there is little hope for fundamental change. So why should we over-communicate on issues we will never agree on? Our marriage is better by letting it go.

Which leads to the second one. Energy. We simply don't have the energy to engage in full combat any more. Besides, it wastes time. Every once in a while someone will fire a round across the DMZ just to see if the other one is alert, but generally we are through fighting. I think we have called it a draw. We are like two old pugilists after 15 rounds, arm weary, heads down, bloody and beaten, and simply too tired to keep fighting. I think divorce happens when people marry out of their weight class.

So kids, here is my advice.
1. If your partner has not changed their ways in the first six months, the problem is yours, not theirs. Their DNA is not going to change. So think long and hard how much of this you can handle.
2. Marry in your weight class. Here is a good way to tell. During your dating and engagement life did you come out pretty even in your squabbles? In other words, did you win about half of the battles? If so, good. If not, you should have done a better job of due-diligence.
3. Think about what you are going to argue about. He has spent 20 years leaving the seat up. Get over it. Just make sure that if you are going to have a screaming, knock-down, call the local authorities, can't remember what you were fighting about fight, it needs to be important.
4. Finally, there is no such thing as "make-up" sex. Trust me on this one.

Godspeed, we are better people by knowing our energy limits and our ability to win.
Don