After much reflection and years of experience (36 to be exact) I have decided that the cause of most marital conflict is two-fold.
Here is an example of a conversation just this morning. I am in the shower after our workout, my bride is at the sink doing whatever it is that women do in front of the mirror.
She says something to me that sounds like, "What are we doing today?"
I respond to her question, "We are meeting Ben and Sarah for lunch at CPK in north Dallas!"
No answer.
As I think about what to wear, I yell, "What is the temp supposed to be today?"
She yanks open the shower door and claims that is exactly what she just asked me, so she guesses the answer is "CPK!"
In years gone by this entire exchange might have been the distant roll of thunder leading up to a violent thunderstorm of marital unrest. I don't listen, she doesn't answer my questions, on and on. Now we laugh.
Experts tell us that lack of communication is one of the primary causes of divorce. I submit that the primary cause is too much communication! Oh, we guys learn early the folly of responding to trap questions like, "Does this make me look fat?" or "Which of these shoes do you like best?" After 36 years we have the scars to show for these missteps. You can't fool us with these anymore. But we still get drawn off-sides by the blather of the so-called "experts" that tell us we must open up the cupboard and bare our souls over any and all questions. It seems to me that we need to spend a little time thinking about what we will fight about, and what is simply not worth the effort.
Here are some areas of past conflict that simply don't need to be revisited:
Me: Good at discussing home improvement, in favor of home improvement, like shopping for home improvement, don't mind buying materials for home improvement..don't like DOING home improvement.
Her: Getting knick-knacks for the house. I'm being kind here. She can find beauty in stuff that has lost its usefulness long ago, but she crafts it into all manner of decorations. I don't get it.
But why fight about these things? We have long ago established the argument guidelines, we don't need to revisit them. It is pretty clear after 36 years there is little hope for fundamental change. So why should we over-communicate on issues we will never agree on? Our marriage is better by letting it go.
Which leads to the second one. Energy. We simply don't have the energy to engage in full combat any more. Besides, it wastes time. Every once in a while someone will fire a round across the DMZ just to see if the other one is alert, but generally we are through fighting. I think we have called it a draw. We are like two old pugilists after 15 rounds, arm weary, heads down, bloody and beaten, and simply too tired to keep fighting. I think divorce happens when people marry out of their weight class.
So kids, here is my advice.
1. If your partner has not changed their ways in the first six months, the problem is yours, not theirs. Their DNA is not going to change. So think long and hard how much of this you can handle.
2. Marry in your weight class. Here is a good way to tell. During your dating and engagement life did you come out pretty even in your squabbles? In other words, did you win about half of the battles? If so, good. If not, you should have done a better job of due-diligence.
3. Think about what you are going to argue about. He has spent 20 years leaving the seat up. Get over it. Just make sure that if you are going to have a screaming, knock-down, call the local authorities, can't remember what you were fighting about fight, it needs to be important.
4. Finally, there is no such thing as "make-up" sex. Trust me on this one.
Godspeed, we are better people by knowing our energy limits and our ability to win.
Don
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Flu Shots
Each year around the first of October my bride begins preparations for us to get our flu shots. She starts by pointing to the CVS signs and Wal-Mart signs about flu shots. Then the comparison of which ones will take the insurance for the shot and the planning for the day and time. The school system, where she has worked for 20 years, usually makes this available for employees and those of us who are leeches on our spouses insurance.
When a time and place are located to her satisfaction she states in a rather firm voice, "We ARE going to get our shots at such and such place at such and such time!" The implication being that I have no choice. Now, let me say, I am vulnerable to the various flus that swirl through our society. I am especially vulnerable to the stomach or intestinal flus. And it is my bride that has to deal with all the fall-out (ooh, bad choice of words). It is at this point that I blame my parents.
We were raised on farm in west Texas where we had our own water source. It was a shallow, murky, moss-filled creek that ran across the back of our farm. We would pump the water from the creek into two large "settling" tanks, where my chore every day after school was to pour 2 cups of Chlorox into the tanks. As my bride and friends will tell you when they see me cook, measurements of ingredients are more guidelines than actual measurements. It was a hassle to scale the wooden ladder leaned against the tanks with a jug of Chlorox and measuring cup. So I would only haul the Chlorox up the ladder and eye-ball the measurement. Too little and no one knew(except for the mild dysentery) a little too much and a day later our drinking water had a distinct Chlorox whang to it. After the scientific treatment that I applied the water would then run through a 40' underground gravel trench to an underground storage tank where it was then pumped into the house and used for drinking water, dish and clothes washing and baths for all of us. The assumption I have about my frail digestive system is that the little hardy bugs that made it through this process have homesteaded my intestines for the past 50 years. So I fully agree with the need for the shots. I just don't like them.
Yesterday was "shot" day. We met at the school where they were inoculating all of us, stood in line and waited our turn. Getting shots is one of the only events in my life that suddenly turns me back into an 8-year-old. I know the "stick" will be minimal, I know the little bugs will keep me safe until next May, I know the after affects will be minimal, and yet I stand there screwing up my courage to be an adult. And it is harder than you think. I watched a little boy in front of me handle it like a pro, and I am thinking, "Crap, I hope I don't squeal like a little girl, this kid will make fun of me!" Punk.
So the nurse asks me, "Which arm would you prefer?" ....yours. "Did you get a shot last year?"...yes, and I cried like a baby. "There, that wasn't so bad."...really? how does your arm feel right now. My actual conversation was.."left".."yes".."thanks" For a guy who considers words his friends, I become mono-syllabic when confronted with pain. My bride left there and went to yoga. I went home, had a Blue Moon while stretched out on the couch. My recuperation method is far superior to my bride's.
For another year we have thwarted the avians and the asians and all others that would attack us with their little flu bugs. The arm is a little sore this morning and I kind of feel yucky, but that could all be in my head. My bride has accomplished one of her Fall goals, we are free to interact with impunity with the world at large.
Godspeed to all you who have been or will be "shot" this fall. We are better people for it. Unless they are using sugar water instead of the real thing. Which, by the way, is the only medicine in the USA that does not come with a warning. Hmmm.
Don
When a time and place are located to her satisfaction she states in a rather firm voice, "We ARE going to get our shots at such and such place at such and such time!" The implication being that I have no choice. Now, let me say, I am vulnerable to the various flus that swirl through our society. I am especially vulnerable to the stomach or intestinal flus. And it is my bride that has to deal with all the fall-out (ooh, bad choice of words). It is at this point that I blame my parents.
We were raised on farm in west Texas where we had our own water source. It was a shallow, murky, moss-filled creek that ran across the back of our farm. We would pump the water from the creek into two large "settling" tanks, where my chore every day after school was to pour 2 cups of Chlorox into the tanks. As my bride and friends will tell you when they see me cook, measurements of ingredients are more guidelines than actual measurements. It was a hassle to scale the wooden ladder leaned against the tanks with a jug of Chlorox and measuring cup. So I would only haul the Chlorox up the ladder and eye-ball the measurement. Too little and no one knew(except for the mild dysentery) a little too much and a day later our drinking water had a distinct Chlorox whang to it. After the scientific treatment that I applied the water would then run through a 40' underground gravel trench to an underground storage tank where it was then pumped into the house and used for drinking water, dish and clothes washing and baths for all of us. The assumption I have about my frail digestive system is that the little hardy bugs that made it through this process have homesteaded my intestines for the past 50 years. So I fully agree with the need for the shots. I just don't like them.
Yesterday was "shot" day. We met at the school where they were inoculating all of us, stood in line and waited our turn. Getting shots is one of the only events in my life that suddenly turns me back into an 8-year-old. I know the "stick" will be minimal, I know the little bugs will keep me safe until next May, I know the after affects will be minimal, and yet I stand there screwing up my courage to be an adult. And it is harder than you think. I watched a little boy in front of me handle it like a pro, and I am thinking, "Crap, I hope I don't squeal like a little girl, this kid will make fun of me!" Punk.
So the nurse asks me, "Which arm would you prefer?" ....yours. "Did you get a shot last year?"...yes, and I cried like a baby. "There, that wasn't so bad."...really? how does your arm feel right now. My actual conversation was.."left".."yes".."thanks" For a guy who considers words his friends, I become mono-syllabic when confronted with pain. My bride left there and went to yoga. I went home, had a Blue Moon while stretched out on the couch. My recuperation method is far superior to my bride's.
For another year we have thwarted the avians and the asians and all others that would attack us with their little flu bugs. The arm is a little sore this morning and I kind of feel yucky, but that could all be in my head. My bride has accomplished one of her Fall goals, we are free to interact with impunity with the world at large.
Godspeed to all you who have been or will be "shot" this fall. We are better people for it. Unless they are using sugar water instead of the real thing. Which, by the way, is the only medicine in the USA that does not come with a warning. Hmmm.
Don
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
The End Justifying the Means
Over the past several months there has been a growing realization that our society is intent on the end result at the expense of the journey. Some of you out there might be saying to yourselves that this moment of understanding is coming awfully late in my life, but I guess I held out hope that the end result and the method getting there can both be accomplished with integrity. Sadly, this does not seem to be the case.
And the truth is that this mindset pervades all aspects of our culture. We seem to be intent more on the speed of results than the method and quality of the results. Instead of exercising for an hour a day, every day, for months and years, we would rather take a pill, or undergo surgery to reap the rewards of looking healthy. We like the slim tummy and the smaller size pants, but we still can't climb stairs or lift anything over our heads without straining a muscle. The results are a cheap facsimile of the real deal. You see it takes far too long to gain the stamina, the lowered heart rate, the correct cholesterol level that good diet and extended exercise brings. We want to forgo the hassles of the journey to get to our goal..looking good.
We see the same thing in business. Questionable methods are condoned as long as the profits go up along with the sales figures. Who cares if people get hurt or marginalized in the process? At least companies these days don't spend any time on the concept of loyalty any longer..they know it is a myth, the employees certainly know it is a myth. So we develop the fastest path to the desired goals regardless of the health or well-being of anyone involved be it executives, employees, or customers. American business at least has dropped the facade of "partnership" and "best practices".
This same malady has befallen our religious arena as well. The concept of slow, careful spiritual formation has long been jettisoned for the quick hit of urban ministry. The common mantra seems to be "keep 'em busy" and they will give their money and show up enough to make the attendance look good. Church leadership seems far more interested in growing the organization than growing the weakest member. Deals are struck, communication is convoluted at best or intentionally misleading to gain the quickest resolution. And the leadership has the latent approval of the congregation to do so because no one is stupid enough to question the marketing blitz that goes on. Doesn't it make sense that if church leadership spent the time and enormous energy in developing disciples, who are Spirit and spirit led, that any initiative that the leadership felt good about would have the confidence to be completely transparent in their communication? Sadly, this is the rarity, not the common-place. We want spiritual formation NOW! Yet from my own experience it is a very slow, halting process.
Unfortunately we also see it in our families. It seems much easier to just hammer on some other family member than to try and understand their lot. We want experts to tell us what to do. Without fail when I teach my conflict management course someone will come up after class and spell out a particular problem with a kid or spouse or in-law, then stand there expectantly wanting me to give them the "answer". And after this happening dozens of times I have to take a deep breath and control my impulse to take a stab at giving them an answer! I am afflicted with the same disease! I can't come up with an answer in 30 seconds to a problem that has developed over years. No one can. But we want to subvert the process and get to an answer as quickly as possible.
Not long ago I read this quote (I wish I could remember where) "Only Bad Things Happen Quickly.." This resonated with me because it is so counter to our culture. We are not into the long haul. And we sure don't like a difficult process.
Here is what I want:
1. Understanding that the process has to have the same level of integrity that the end result will have.
2. I want organizations to act in the best interests of the least in that group, be it corporate or church or family.
3. I want the patience to undertake the slow and careful journey of doing the right things.
4. I want the wisdom to understand that good things come slowly.
5. I want the courage to confront those around me who want to circumvent the process of integrity.
Not too much to ask, do you think?
Godspeed, this journey is best enjoyed when done in the right way.
Don
And the truth is that this mindset pervades all aspects of our culture. We seem to be intent more on the speed of results than the method and quality of the results. Instead of exercising for an hour a day, every day, for months and years, we would rather take a pill, or undergo surgery to reap the rewards of looking healthy. We like the slim tummy and the smaller size pants, but we still can't climb stairs or lift anything over our heads without straining a muscle. The results are a cheap facsimile of the real deal. You see it takes far too long to gain the stamina, the lowered heart rate, the correct cholesterol level that good diet and extended exercise brings. We want to forgo the hassles of the journey to get to our goal..looking good.
We see the same thing in business. Questionable methods are condoned as long as the profits go up along with the sales figures. Who cares if people get hurt or marginalized in the process? At least companies these days don't spend any time on the concept of loyalty any longer..they know it is a myth, the employees certainly know it is a myth. So we develop the fastest path to the desired goals regardless of the health or well-being of anyone involved be it executives, employees, or customers. American business at least has dropped the facade of "partnership" and "best practices".
This same malady has befallen our religious arena as well. The concept of slow, careful spiritual formation has long been jettisoned for the quick hit of urban ministry. The common mantra seems to be "keep 'em busy" and they will give their money and show up enough to make the attendance look good. Church leadership seems far more interested in growing the organization than growing the weakest member. Deals are struck, communication is convoluted at best or intentionally misleading to gain the quickest resolution. And the leadership has the latent approval of the congregation to do so because no one is stupid enough to question the marketing blitz that goes on. Doesn't it make sense that if church leadership spent the time and enormous energy in developing disciples, who are Spirit and spirit led, that any initiative that the leadership felt good about would have the confidence to be completely transparent in their communication? Sadly, this is the rarity, not the common-place. We want spiritual formation NOW! Yet from my own experience it is a very slow, halting process.
Unfortunately we also see it in our families. It seems much easier to just hammer on some other family member than to try and understand their lot. We want experts to tell us what to do. Without fail when I teach my conflict management course someone will come up after class and spell out a particular problem with a kid or spouse or in-law, then stand there expectantly wanting me to give them the "answer". And after this happening dozens of times I have to take a deep breath and control my impulse to take a stab at giving them an answer! I am afflicted with the same disease! I can't come up with an answer in 30 seconds to a problem that has developed over years. No one can. But we want to subvert the process and get to an answer as quickly as possible.
Not long ago I read this quote (I wish I could remember where) "Only Bad Things Happen Quickly.." This resonated with me because it is so counter to our culture. We are not into the long haul. And we sure don't like a difficult process.
Here is what I want:
1. Understanding that the process has to have the same level of integrity that the end result will have.
2. I want organizations to act in the best interests of the least in that group, be it corporate or church or family.
3. I want the patience to undertake the slow and careful journey of doing the right things.
4. I want the wisdom to understand that good things come slowly.
5. I want the courage to confront those around me who want to circumvent the process of integrity.
Not too much to ask, do you think?
Godspeed, this journey is best enjoyed when done in the right way.
Don
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Backwards..Again
Over the past couple of months this conversation has entered into my world.
If we serve a God of love/mercy/forgiveness/compassion, then how can He doom mankind to eternal punishment? Our sectarian heritage makes this a tough question to answer. We have spent a hundred years articulating all the requirements for a safe passage to heaven. And this list of requirements is not easily determined nor adhered to. We are quick with the five steps, quick with what our group should look like, and quick with the doctrinal distinctives that set us apart. We have even driven it down to non-scriptural settings like non-instrumental music, two prayers at communion (not just one big prayer), structure like elders and deacons (sorry, no deaconesses) even which Bible translation is appropriate. We have piled high the criteria, then wondered why no one would want to join us.
Then a couple of years ago I read from one of the spiritual formation guys that Hell is the default setting, not Heaven. His take was to set the bar at ground level. Do you believe? And I was taken aback by the lowering of the standards. Secretly I want a lot of covert stipulations because I tend to see the waiting line as a continuum, and the harder I can make it for someone else, the better for me. So if God is as we described above wouldn't it make sense that He would set the bar as low as possible? Instead of a judgement day taken up with listing all my sins, wouldn't it make sense to have Him laugh and say, "Close enough!" Wouldn't it make sense that if He was truly as we attest that He would look for any loophole to get us into His presence? If my son committed the most egregious offense against me, but somewhere in that offense I could still detect a sliver of Love, a moment of guilt, the slightest hint of remorse, that I would embrace him anyway?
Yet we approach the Creator as one who is looking for any reason to withhold His blessings. How can this give us confidence to live? or more importantly, to die with assurance?
We have this backwards..again. Not the first time and certainly not the last. But it is the Divine nature that allows us to reexamine what we believe and why.
Godspeed, I think we need to understand that He will give us a break at the slightest opportunity.
Don
If we serve a God of love/mercy/forgiveness/compassion, then how can He doom mankind to eternal punishment? Our sectarian heritage makes this a tough question to answer. We have spent a hundred years articulating all the requirements for a safe passage to heaven. And this list of requirements is not easily determined nor adhered to. We are quick with the five steps, quick with what our group should look like, and quick with the doctrinal distinctives that set us apart. We have even driven it down to non-scriptural settings like non-instrumental music, two prayers at communion (not just one big prayer), structure like elders and deacons (sorry, no deaconesses) even which Bible translation is appropriate. We have piled high the criteria, then wondered why no one would want to join us.
Then a couple of years ago I read from one of the spiritual formation guys that Hell is the default setting, not Heaven. His take was to set the bar at ground level. Do you believe? And I was taken aback by the lowering of the standards. Secretly I want a lot of covert stipulations because I tend to see the waiting line as a continuum, and the harder I can make it for someone else, the better for me. So if God is as we described above wouldn't it make sense that He would set the bar as low as possible? Instead of a judgement day taken up with listing all my sins, wouldn't it make sense to have Him laugh and say, "Close enough!" Wouldn't it make sense that if He was truly as we attest that He would look for any loophole to get us into His presence? If my son committed the most egregious offense against me, but somewhere in that offense I could still detect a sliver of Love, a moment of guilt, the slightest hint of remorse, that I would embrace him anyway?
Yet we approach the Creator as one who is looking for any reason to withhold His blessings. How can this give us confidence to live? or more importantly, to die with assurance?
We have this backwards..again. Not the first time and certainly not the last. But it is the Divine nature that allows us to reexamine what we believe and why.
Godspeed, I think we need to understand that He will give us a break at the slightest opportunity.
Don
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